


Promise

by ilostmyothersock



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Depression, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-28
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:00:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24423181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilostmyothersock/pseuds/ilostmyothersock
Summary: Hen worries about Buck until she can't just say nothing. They talk.TW: Talks about depression/suicidal thoughts
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley & Henrietta "Hen" Wilson
Comments: 11
Kudos: 218





	Promise

**Author's Note:**

> Obviously I'm like fully stuck on the exhausting line lol...  
> Mind the TW.

Eddie’s words and the look on Buck’s face that day at the supermarket weigh on her. They weigh on her whenever she sees Buck looking lost and alone as he’s left behind at the station on calls, and they weigh on her as she watches him lose even more weight than he did after his injury. They weigh on her every time someone makes a joke about Buck being dumb, and she hears his good-natured laugh (that never quite reaches his eyes). They weigh on her every time she thinks about all the times Buck’s said that this job is his entire life, every time she hears him say that he isn’t anything without it.

It weighs on her until one day, when they’re alone in the locker room, she can’t let it go. She sits on the bench and pats the spot next to her, waiting for him to sit down. He looks at her curiously.

“Hey, Buck? Can I ask you something a little sensitive?”

“Uhhhh sure?” He laughs a little uncomfortably.

“Buck, I’ve heard you say so many times that you don’t feel like you’re worth anything out of uniform… and it scares me a little that you can say things like that and clearly not realize that it’s not… healthy. I worry about you, Buck.”

“Aw, c’mon. I just… Like you remember Buck 1.0, right? A horndog manwhore who _stole a firetruck_. Like I was kind of a piece of shit before I started this job… and after too.”

Hen shakes her head.

“Buckaroo…It really and truly worries me that you don’t seem to think you’re worth anything when you’re not saving lives. _Your life_ is important, and I really need you to know that, okay?”

“I … I know that. I do.”

Hen sighs, shaking her head again. “You smile at everyone and you joke but I … see it in the way you run into things sometimes. I saw it in the way you withdrew with the lawsuit. You know you were right with all that, right?”

Buck shakes his head. “No, no, I fucked up. I shouldn’t have…”

“No, but Buck… The LAFD wouldn’t have offered a settlement if they really thought that you had nothing. But that’s beside the point, okay? I worry about you all the time, you know? I worry about how you pulled away from all of us and how when you came back you shut down anyone trying to take any ownership of blame, putting it all on yourself. It wasn’t, okay, _it wasn’t_. And don’t think I didn’t notice how much weight you lost after your injury.” Buck shifts uncomfortably. “It’s just… it’s not okay, okay? To think of yourself that way. I sure don’t.”

“No, but… I’m … I’m selfish, I know that. I get wrapped up in my own shit and I just…”

Hen grabbed his hand in hers.

“I remember what Eddie said to you, alright? I remember the awful things he said to you at the grocery store, and he was _wrong_. He was clearly hurting but he had no right to take it out on you. I… I know he’s your friend, I mean he’s mine too, but it was absolutely cruel to say stuff like that to someone… especially someone who’s clearly struggling.”

She can see the tears in Buck’s eyes now, even as he tries to smile and blink them back. “I… I _am_ exhausting though, Hen. I see it now. He had every right…”

She pulls him to her, resting his head on the side of hers, keeping her arm around him. “Buck… Evan…you are brave and smart and kind and you have the biggest heart of anyone I know. It honestly hurts to see how little you think of yourself sometimes, how much you give and give and never expect anything in return. You know… the way you talk about yourself, the way you weren’t leaving the house after your injury, the way you were pulling away after the tsunami… It looked a lot like depression, love. I don’t know if you were ever diagnosed with anything official but it sure looked like it from the outside. Which makes what Eddie said even worse, okay? Because I wouldn’t be surprised if maybe you were, or are, afraid of taking too much from people, of inserting yourself where you aren’t wanted… You always put yourself down, minimize the things you’re struggling with and you don’t need to, okay? I can’t speak for Eddie, I know that, but please, please Buckaroo, know that I want to hear it, whatever it is. If you feel like things are getting to be too much, or even if you just want to hear someone’s voice, even if it’s the middle of the night, just call, okay? I'll pick up.”

“Hen…”

“Please, Buck? Please promise me that you’ll call. There have been too many times over the past year where I was afraid we were… going to lose you. And not to the ladder truck or to the embolism or to the tsunami either. At least, not directly. Not even to the lawsuit.”

Buck sits up, a panicked look in his eye. “No, Hen, I wouldn’t… I wouldn’t…”

Hen brushes a stray blond curl back from his forehead, searching his eyes.

“Do you promise? Can you promise me that, Buck? Can you promise me that you never thought of it, not even once?”

The way he wraps his arms around himself and ducks his head down tells her everything she was still hoping wasn't true.

“Please, Buck? All I’m asking is that you promise to call. I promise you I _want_ to hear it, it doesn’t matter if I’ve had the easiest or the craziest day you are so, so important to me and I want to hear how you’re doing. You are _not_ exhausting. Sometimes I can tell that you’re exhaust _ed_ , and it worries me, okay?”

Buck shakes his head, a tear dripping down his cheek.

“I… I can’t… I just…”

Hen pulls him into a tight hug, resting her chin on his shoulder.

“Please, Buck, I just want you to promise to call me if you ever even feel remotely like that, okay? And I mean I also want you to know that you can call me whenever, for whatever, too. I’ll always want to hear from you, but I especially want you to call if you’re struggling. It doesn’t matter what kind of day I’ve had or how late it is, okay? Please.”

She feels Buck nod against her shoulder and can’t help but let out a small sigh of relief. She presses a kiss to his cheek.

—

When he calls at 4am a few weeks later she feels no irritation. She doesn’t care that she just got off a 24-hour shift, and she doesn’t care that it took an hour for her to stop tossing and turning and finally fall asleep when she finally did get home and go to bed.

She feels only relief.


End file.
